Rise of the Mixed Girl

When I was growing up in the early 1980s living with my mom, she had a couple of friends with mixed kids and we would play together at times. When I no longer lived with her the playtimes with some of those kids faded out. In my daily life no one at school looked like me, no one on TV or movies, no idols and no one in my neighborhood. Being mixed wasn’t popular. It wasn’t something that any mixed celebrities talked about so other mixed kids could connect. Many mixed celebrities just passed for black or even white.

I felt rare and disconnected from so many people. When I was younger I didn’t understand why strangers would stare, ask what I am, touch my hair, or praise how beautiful of a mix we kids were. Kids teased us, filled our conversation with questions of curiosity or were even flat out mean and racist.

Which do I identify as more, black or white

There was a time when I didn’t know I had to identify black or white. I was young and didn’t understand what it meant to be mixed, to be part of two worlds which somehow seem to have a never-ending conflict based solely on shades of skin.

Then, there was a time when I found myself constantly feeling I had to choose between black or white, “which would you rather be?” a young classmate asked.

The thing was, I didn’t see myself as either race specifically. I was raised by the white side of my family and didn’t have any contact with my black father. I have an older half brother who I did see often, he is black. So I knew I was black as well.

Throughout my teen years I realized that it was other people who placed me in one race or another based on whatever I did… or didn’t do.

check box “other”

It’s strange how a memory is gone and suddenly a single moment triggers an entire montage of past snapshots, not giving you a clear picture, but bringing in feelings that came in that moment long ago.

This may sound a bit silly to some, but there I was filling out a form and under the race selection, I could click anything and as many as I wanted! Black + White + Biracial + multiracial. Wow, when did this happen?! Why am I so damn excited about it?!

Mom’s Racist Boyfriend (part 2)

Being Black – continued: It was strange that some Black things were okay for us and others not. I spent years off and on living between my mom and my uncle (her white brother) who loved Tina Turner and Diana Ross and loved to dance around the house with us to any music. Yet, being around Mom’s Boyfriend, it was made clear we should not be Black at all.

Mom’s Racist Boyfriend (part 1)

I thought he was nice at first. I was probably six when he and my mother started dating. Throughout our childhood we learned that his family had some ties to KKK and his father was some head guy within West Virginia Klans. I never got solid proof, just what he would say with pride when he pushed around his power. It was never racial name calling or physical abuse. That’s why it took a while to realize it all. It was more his actions, how he talked down at us like we were less of a person or that he expected us to be subservient. Anything we did that wasn’t what he said or when he said – was wrong. He needed full power over us and sadly, my mother loved this guy and that love blinded her from his extremely horrible treatment of us.

Childhood Icons Turning Black

I recently watched Suicide Squad. In it, Deadshot was played by Will Smith…”OMG a Black Guy! No Way!”…c’mon really, people?  There were so many posts and tweets and online bullshit about how the classic Deadshot was white and can’t be played by a black guy. Which yes he was drawn as white, so what. The same things happened when the Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play had started and the adult Hermione is played by a black woman, “Hermione shouldn’t be black!” and Fantastic Four, the Human Torch was played by a Black guy and there was Rue in Hunger Games and in Force Awakens the storm-trooper. No one ever said Rue, Hermione or storm-troopers were white, people just imagined them as such.  I often wonder if it was due to racism more than keeping it how it was portrayed in the books, since books were so vague on characteristics.

Can I Touch Your Hair?

Has someone ever asked “CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR?”  Well, I get asked that A LOT.  Sometimes it’s a new friend or someone I know, often there’s a friend of a friend who asks…and then there are the strangers. That stranger who doesn’t even ask and just reaches for it and says “I love your hair” as they hold a chunk. Excuse me!

That’s when I give the side-eye and pull my head away. This used to bother me a lot more, and some days it does still. I used to think it was racist and rude; I used to think “Ew – no, you cannot put your dirty hands in my hair, what are you thinkin!”  It’s super strange, germy and personal. Also, some days my hair isn’t it’s softest, or humidity won and it’s still damp at 1pm (my hair takes hours to dry on its own) or I just got the curls to be perfect and putting your fingers in my hair makes it frizz out!

You Talk White

This isn’t just a Black and White mix thing. It can really be directed or experienced by many ethnic groups. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has heard this or had this said to them. Maybe you have even said it to someone or even thought it.

“You sound white”
“You talk like a white girl”
“Oh, I thought you were white on the phone, sorry”

The majority of people who say this are not White. It is typically our own races saying it to us. People we call friends, family or people we don’t know well at all. They have grabbed a hold of this idea and stereotype that ethnic people have to speak with this ethnic inflection or slang. That they can’t say words like ‘totally’ or ‘awesome’ or enunciate their words without it seeming “white.”

Not Quite Black

I always look back at the late 80s and early 90s and think, “being Black is cool” it seemed like every one was influenced and taking on the black culture and understanding. Sounds strange in those words, but at age 13 that is how I noticed it.

There was a huge Rap music and culture movement, black power and a ton of new Black TV shows were everywhere. Spike Lee was coming up strong with movies that seemed to push racial boundaries. People took notice to Black culture as it seemed to rapidly develop. Break-dancing lingered a few year longer and trickled down to other ethnicities and a lot of Black people were starting to wear the African country symbol or Nefertiti around their necks and Martin Luther King or Malcolm X  T-shirts. Even the White kids started to dress in the hip hop clothing, shell-toed Adidas, gold chains and using the lingo.  I even remember the oddly popular and acceptable term for this was “Wigger”.

N-Word

I would hear the N-word in old period piece movies referring to blacks and slaves. I fully understood the word in this context. It was a word that people in power positions would use to degrade others and it was meant to be hurtful and negative. Then, I would hear it again from Black people greeting each other (replacement word for ‘homie’) or when they were talking about someone or the popular phrase back then “N**** Please”  and in Rap Music of the late 80s and 90s.  N.W.A used it as their name and for the most part it was meant to be “friendly”. So confusing – right!  One word, two meanings on complete opposite sides of the heart. This word can either hurt people or make them feel close to others. Maybe Blacks used it often and changed up the spelling. I always assume to try and dilute the harmful meaning and power of the word, but many blacks still hate it’s use. I do too.